Second Chance-Daddy's Boy

Daddy’s Boy
At my next session I happily told the counselor that I had chosen the people that I wanted to adopt my baby.
“Wonderful,” she said smiling. Then her smile turned to a frown. “Have you contacted the baby’s father yet?”
My face fell and my heart plummeted to my stomach. “Uh, no…do I have to?”
“Well yes, at least try.” She shook her head and set the profiles I had just handed her down on the desk. “When you go before the judge the first thing he’s going to say is what about the baby’s father?”
I really didn’t want to contact Mark. I still felt about bad about breaking his heart the way I did. I supposed though that it was only fair. He did have a right to know.
“What if he wants to get back together with me?” I said to mom as I sat next to the phone that night. I was trying to get up the courage to dial.
“Do you want to?” she asked with raised eyebrows.
“No!” I exclaimed.
“Then tell him that,” mom said. “Just tell him that you’re with someone else, but he does have the right to know that he has a son.”
“Yeah,” I sighed heavily. “I guess you’re right.” I got his phone number from my address book and picked up the phone.
The phone number however, had been discounted. Surprised, I checked the number and dialed again in case I’d done it wrong the first time. No, it was definitely disconnected. Had he moved? It had been almost a year since I’d seen him.
I looked in to phone book but couldn’t find a listing for Mark Musch anywhere. “Well, I tried.” I said with a shrug. “Guess he must have left the planet or something.” I closed the phone and walked away from the kitchen.
Feeling guilty though, I turned back to the phone book. I’ve got to at least try a little harder, I admonished myself. I can’t keep this from him. There wasn’t a listing for Mark, but there were other Muschs listed. I got some paper and wrote notes to all the addresses. I explained that I was looking for Mark Musch and that I had some very important news to tell him.
Nothing came of the letters, but a few days later the counselor called saying she had good news. “I believe I found him,” she said. “Mark Musch right?”
“Yes, that’s him.” I said feeling a little disappointed. Now I was really going to have to face him. “How did you find him?”
“I found his mother actually. I explained that you wanted to give the baby up for adoption but needed Mark’s okay.”
“What did she say?” I asked.
“Well, she asked why you weren’t going to keep the baby. I explained that you didn’t think you’d be able to provide for him and that this would be the best thing. Anyway, she and Mark will be at the next session so they can see the baby.”
“Okay,” I said quietly. A feeling of cold dread engulfed me. Not only was I going to have to face Mark but his mother too. I had gotten the impression the one time I’m met her that she didn’t like me very much. Now I was ready to give up my child, what did she think of me then?
I didn’t want to face them alone, so I asked Fred to be there. My mom came too. I was so grateful for their support.
The Mark and his mother showed up promptly, right on time. I started to perspire and reached for Fred’s hand. Mark wouldn’t look at me but that was okay. I couldn’t look at him either.
The foster mother brought Mikey. I pulled him out of the car seat and said in what I hoped was a cheerful voice, “well here he is. Michael Norman.” I gave him a squeeze and handed him to Mark’s mother.
“Why did you name him that?” Mark asked, speaking to me for the first time.
I looked over at him, startled at the accusing tone of his voice. “Well, Norman is for my grandfather, he died the day before Mikey was born. And I just thought the name Michael sounded good with it.”
“Oh,” Mark said, sounding a little sheepish. “I thought you named him after my friend Mike, you know from South Lyon.”
“No,” I said taken aback. I hadn’t even thought of that Mike in months. “Why would name a baby after him? I mean he’s a nice enough guy but…”
“Well, I thought maybe…” Mark looked at the floor and shook his head. “Never mind. Can I hold him?”
He took the baby from his mother and held him close. “Hey there buddy,” he said softly. Mikey molded into his father’s arms like he belonged there. Much more so than when I held him.
“I want him,” Mark announced, looking back up at me.
I was stunned. I hadn’t expected this. “But I already found someone to adopt…”
“No,” Mark insisted. “He’s a part of us, we should raise him.” He smiled down a Mikey and kissed the top of his head.
“Okay…” I said slowly. Please don’t ask me to come back to you, I begged silently. I needn’t have worried. Mark’s focus was totally on the baby. “What do we need to do?” I asked the counselor.
“Well Mark needs to acknowledge paternity over at the County Clerk’s office and then he’ll be all set.”
“I need to take care of some things first,” Mark said.
“Will we still need to see the judge?” I asked, still reeling a bit from this change of plans.
“No,” the counselor said. “Mark’s the father so he can take him as soon as he’s ready.”
Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad, I thought. Mark had a good job and would be able to provide for him. Maybe I could still even be part of his life. “Could I visit him sometimes?” I asked.
“We could work something out,” Mark said. “Maybe every other weekend or something.”
“It’ll be just like you’re divorced,” mom said later. “He’ll have full custody and you’ll have visitation rights.”
“I guess so,” I said nodding. I hated the “D” word, but if Mark and I had married we’d have ended up divorced anyway. “Just so he doesn’t expect us to get back together.”

Mark and I met up at the mall a few days later to discuss when I would take Mikey. We sat on the wall beside the fountain and pulled out calendars. Right away I realized the mistake of choosing that location.
Right behind where we were sitting was the jewelry store where we had once looked at rings.
“Remember that place?” Mark asked pointing it out.
“Yeah,” I said trying to sound casual. I opened my calendar and pointed out the dates that I could take Mikey.
“Sounds fine,” Mark said. He started to stand up but stopped and looked at me seriously. “So why didn’t you ever tell me you were pregnant?”
“I didn’t know I was,” I said.
“What do you mean?” Mark asked.
I sighed and related the whole story to him. “Then when he was born full term I realized he was yours,” I said. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about him earlier. I was so overwhelmed I wasn’t sure what I was going to do.” That and I didn’t have the guts to face you, I added silently.
“Hmm…” Mark pressed his lips together, still looking doubtful.
“So are you still living in the same apartment?” I asked, trying to change the subject.
“I’m going to move in with my mother,” he said. “At least for a little while so she can help with the baby.”
“Oh, it’s nice that she’s willing to help you like that.” I stood up and made an excuse that I needed to catch the city bus. Really I had to get out of there, I needed air.
“Well, I guess I’ll see you next week then.” Mark said, standing up also.

The big day came. Mark showed up at the CSSC with his mom and his sister. The foster mother brought the baby, a baby memory book and a few other little things she’d gotten from the hospital.
Mark’s sister picked Mikey up and looked him over. “Yep,” she said. “I think he has your chin, and maybe your nose too. You of course are going to spoil him rotten.”
“Of course I will,” Mark agreed with a laugh.
The foster mother cuddled Mikey one last time. “Okay sweetheart, you’re to go live with your daddy now and he’s going to take such good care of you.” Mikey cried a little as she kissed him and handed him to Mark.
I felt like crying a little myself. Was I doing the right thing? I had to fight to keep from taking my baby and running away with him. He’s better off with Mark, the voice sounded in my head, he’s better off and you know it!

“You okay?” Fred asked as he drove me home.
“I think so,” I said.
“Mikey was really starting to bond with the foster mother,” He observed. “Did you notice how he started to fuss a little when she turned him over?”
“Yes,” I nodded. “This is best,” I repeated to myself over and over. “Mark has a good job, he’ll be a good dad. Mikey will have a good life…” But why did my heart still ache?